Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Dec. 23rd...

December 23rd….27 years ago today my dad went to heaven…(stupid cancer!!!) I know he was there to meet Coleman when he arrived. *sigh* Missing them both, (and my brother) but imagining what it must be like to be THERE celebrating…How blessed we all are that because of the first Christmas, we all get that chance- to be together with Him forever and ever...please pray for all of the families missing someone they love...

We are debating whether to make the trip back to my mom’s tomorrow. I know the last time I posted I said we might be leaving today- I was a day ahead of myself. It’s what happens when you’re on vacation- all the days run together until they run out way too quickly! Scott has to work a half day tomorrow and then MAYBE- we’ll be heading out? We’ll see- and in true Team Larson fashion, we aren’t PLANNING on anything- just playing it by ear. Caden’s school was canceled today, and the trees are heavy with ice- we actually got a recorded message last night from the Webster County Sherriff’s dept. saying travel was not recommended through Friday, and if you DID go out to be advised help may not be able to get to you if you needed it. They recommended a full tank of gas and carrying a survival kit. Caden started packing his survival kit right away! :) Ahhh Iowa Winters. If we can’t make it, we’ll head up when the storm passes. Better to be safe than sorry I guess.

So today Caden and I were home together again. He’s always good for keeping things interesting! We did a little baking, wrapped some gifts, and made some ornaments he wants to pass out to his aunts/uncles. Oh and then there was this…
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For his birthday he got a claw machine that you put candy in…and he’s been playing with it non-stop.
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It plays really annoying loud carnival-type music that gets faster and faster as time runs out. Well, he has I mean- HAD -the thing stocked with bubble gum, and ‘accidentally’ got gum in his hair today! It freaked him out and he came running crying his head off! I thought maybe I was going to have to do the whole buzz thing AGAIN- until I tried peanut butter- and finally got it all out. I told him THAT’S what he gets for putting five pieces of gum in his mouth and then playing with it! He said, “it wasn’t FIVE- it was only THREE.” :) Problem solved- lesson learned…and he was all smiles and giggling that he smelled like a peanut butter sandwich when it was all said and done.


I finished up the two videos last night I’ve been working on. (posted at the end of the update) First I have to share what happened to me last night. The house was dark except the Christmas tree lights, the song from Polor Express “If you just BELIEVE” was on the radio in the kitchen, and I was sitting at my computer finishing up…I could see the front porch from where I was sitting, and RIGHT when I clicked SAVE on my computer, the door bell rang. It scared the be-jeepers outta me! BUT when my heart rate slowed down, I giggled to think how Cman must have laughed seeing me jump! You know, I’m not usually one to believe in things like ‘signs’, but sometimes when they happen, it’s just too much for a coincidence.


Here’s another one…
Many people know Coleman LOVED it when we read books to him, but probably not many know his ALL TIME favorite book was THE BIG HUNGRY BEAR AND THE RED RIPE STRAWBERRY. The boys got it as a gift from our friends the Bundy’s long ago. Coleman had the entire book memorized word for word…He didn’t just ‘read’ it, he felt EVERY word as he read. I know I have a video of him reading it when he was 2-3 years old, but I can’t seem to find it. I can still hear him though- he’d open it to the title page and say, “FANK YOU FROM-A BUNDYS” and then start the story. Oh how he loved that book. Well, yesterday Caden came home from school and whipped out his library book…it was MERRY CHRISTMAS BIG HUNGRY BEAR.

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As I read it to him, I could just HEAR Coleman saying “but witta mouse, don’t you know about the BIG HUN-GWEE BEAR???” I asked Caden if he remembered the book about the big hungry bear we used to read…he said he didn’t, but he only picked this book because the BIGFOOT MONSTER TRUCK book was already checked out! :)

And one last story I thought was pretty cool, but never got posted here…
When we were getting ready to redo Caden’s bedroom, we were shopping around for beds. One day we went into the furniture store- just looking, and the lady working gave Caden a snowman ornament. It was right after Thanksgiving- and we didn’t have our tree up. That night we were going to a friend’s house to visit. They had decorated their tree that day, and I mentioned to Caden he could take the ornament and give them if he wanted to. He said, “NO- it’s MINE!” I told him that was fine, he could keep it, I just thought maybe he wanted to give them something. He sat there for a while and asked, “well what are you gonna give me if I do give it to them?” I said, “NOTHING! I told you, you don’t HAVE to give it away, I just thought maybe you WANTED to, but keep it if you want…it’s up to you. If you give it away, give it out of the goodness of your heart- not because you’re going to get something in return. Keep it if you want to…that’s okay too. I just mentioned it Caden, and you know sometimes when you give from your heart, God makes sure it comes back to you at least three times, but you have to want to give- not because someone makes you do it. I understand if you want to keep it too…there are other ways to give, so do what you want.”
He decided he did want to give it to them. A couple of weeks passed and we forgot all about the ornament. We went back to the store to get his bed one Saturday. When we got back into the pick-up Scott and I noticed Caden had a sack…I hadn’t seen anyone give it to him- (wow, I guess I should have been paying closer attention to him!) I asked him what was in the sack…he said, “oh- the lady gave me two dusting clothes- one for you and one for me, AND she gave me THREE snowman ornaments- one for me, one for you, and one for daddy. I guess you were right what you said about God mommy!” I asked him if he had told her what I said and he said no. He brought all three ornaments home and hung them on our tree. I hope he remembers the story that goes with them in years to come.


***OKAY….our electricity just went off…and my battery is half full, so better shut this down and go wake Scott up…yikes-


Here are the two videos…one for Coleman’s first Christmas in Heaven,



And ….we go on….this was one of my gifts to Scott this year…



Ps. Check out this site…pretty cool…..SPEAKING OF COOL, I hope the electricity comes back on and we have heat tonight! Wish us luck!!!


http://portablenorthpole.tv/watch/06c59c3755c9e93c973db89bd37f58fb


Merry Christmas everyone-


"For God so loved the world,
that He gave His only begotten Son,
that whosoever believeth in Him
should not perish but have everlasting life."

~ John 3:16


AND THAT IS THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL.
BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL,
FOREVER TEAM LARSON

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Two More Days Til Christmas....

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Merry Christmas from Team Larson! For some reason I’m pretty emotional today- I think it’s because I can finally have the chance to relax a bit…Caden’s at school having his Christmas party. He was so excited when I dropped him off this morning. I got through my last week of school- and managed not to break down once. My school does a tradition that I absolutely LOVE where we get the entire school together in the morning and sing carols around the piano and Christmas tree. What is it about kids singing songs that make them look so darn angelic?!? :) The parents are invited to spend the ten minutes or so with us, and it’s just really, really cool. This year when we sang FROSTY- an image came to my mind…and I could feel that hot sting of tears starting, but I held it back- and made it through. I know, Frosty isn't really one of those emotion-striking songs, but it's the memories I attach to it that made me want to cry. Music is the one thing that always gets to me…I’m pretty good at choking back tears- I’ve perfected that with practice, but when it comes to music, it gets me every time. Here’s the “angry ribbon dancer” and his brother dancing to FROSTY…oh what fun they were having!
Boy do we miss you Coleman.




I woke up today thinking of last year on Dec. 22nd… we took Coleman on what we didn’t know at the time would be his last outing…to the Polar Express Train in Boone. He wasn’t feeling the best – but as always made the most of the day. His favorite part was that his buddy Eli could join us, and his cousin Jacey came along and spent the night with us that night…Cman also loved that he got a cookie on the train, and eating at McDonalds afterwards! :) It was such a great day for us all, and we’re forever grateful for all who helped set the trip up. Two days after this, on Christmas Eve morning Coleman woke up and tried to talk, but only mumble-jumble would come out…

Well, we all know what happened from that point on…

I actually typed out a recap of our Christmas last year. I think it was the first time I actually sat down and put the details on paper…- I won’t post it here- why bring everyone down? I saved it to read in later years, but really didn’t even need to type it out- it’s burned deep in my memory bank. It was so very painful…We’re just so thankful we had this good day:





Back to the present…I have to say a HUGE thank you to so many people who have sent cards/gifts to Caden & to our family…I find it hard to explain how much we appreciate it…we continue to be brought to tears. There is something about the kindness of a stranger- how it touches your heart…just please know how DEEPLY grateful we are…I really wish I had the words.
Sunday was Caden’s Church Christmas program. He was a Sheppard and worked so hard to have his WHOLE part memorized. All the boys said the part together, he mostly just stood there and mumbled along! :) Still, it was a wonderful program.

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I’m uploading a video of one of his songs I’ll have to post later…it’s taking a while.


Then he had his school Christmas program last night. He told us on the way to sit in the front row- but it was so packed, we ended up being up on the bleachers, which actually worked out okay. I think we could see better from there, but I saw HIM come out on stage scanning and scanning the front row…poor guy. It took everything in me not to stand up and shout “I’m BACK HERE CADE!!!” He finally found us in the bleachers half way through and gave a little wave and smile. When we got home he was putting his jammies on and said, “geez- I’d better take off these old-fashioned socks and save em!” (black socks-)

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Last weekend we took him to the mall for a picture with Santa…

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He was so funny because he told me before he went he was going to pull on Santa’s beard, and if it came off, he’d know it wasn’t the real guy- but when he got off his lap, he said, “MOM! I checked him all out- that beard was REAL!”

Here are a couple of maps he drew to make sure Santa knew the floor plan of our house and where to leave the loot. Too bad he drew them on the kitchen counter while using a permanent black marker that soaked through! :) Thank God for magic erasers!

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He continues to make us laugh…he said he wanted to add something to his Christmas list last night- a Spy Kit? I told him, “ohhhh noooo you don’t….you can’t add things NOW- it’s too late in the game for that! Santa already has everything ready. I’m pretty sure the sleigh is packed.” He said, “well it’s not like there’s levels to this game mom- it’s not like we’re on level three or nothin- Santa can still bring it.” I said, “It’s level FOUR CADEN- GAME OVER!!! NO MORE ADDING THINGS TO YOUR LIST!!!” haha

I’m working on our Christmas video- a special one I made for Cman, and our family one, so will be posting those soon. Sure hope we make it back to my family’s tomorrow…there is a WINTER STORM coming…complete with freezing rain and ice…surprise, surprise. We’re going to do our best to get there, but won’t be taking any chances- we’re hoping everyone stays SAFE.

From the bottom of our hearts we wish a VERY Merry Christmas to you all...May the love we feel on Jesus’ birthday be with us every day of the New Year. And in Caden’s words- LISTEN UP- JESUS IS THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS! :)



Never before have I been more grateful for the gift of our Saviour.

Blessings to you all,
FOREVER TEAM LARSON

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(Photo by Morgan Fredrickson Gowrie) THANK YOU MORGAN- WE LOVE YOU!!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Videos

Short post- I'm exhausted tonight...TWO more days for me and then CHRISTMAS VACATION!!! Don't get me wrong, I love my class of first graders, I am just READY for a much needed break! Caden has school until Wednesday, which he's happy about. I picked him up from daycare tonight and asked him how his day was...he climbed into the van and said, "oh- you know....one day closer to retirement." He cracks me up! I think he's maybe heard his DAD say that a time or two, and he wants to be JUST like his daddy! :)

I wanted to post a couple of Christmas videos the boys did in years past. Some people say it's too difficult for them to watch videos of Caden and Coleman...for me, it brings a smile to remember the good times. Yes, it also brings me tears with missing Coleman so much, but I love hearing his voice again.

We all grieve differently, so to watch is up to you. I love the parts where Coleman grabs Caden's ear when he's irritated with him. :) Boy do these seem like a lifetime ago.

A few people have asked about not being able to view pictures or videos on here. I don't know the exact reason why, but here's my best guess...Carepages now has a security box that pops up when you open the page. You have the choice to click on "yes" or "no" when asked about displaying secure info. On my home computer I have to click NO but at school, (not that I ever have the time to be on my computer at school:) I have to click YES. So my advice is...if you don't see the pictures, close out of carepages, and log back in clicking the opposite of what you usually do. Hope that helps! Or you can always try our blog at:
http://nevadivup.blogspot.com/
http://nevadivup.blogspot.com/


Before the videos I wanted to thank you for all of the messages of support you've left for us to read. We cannot tell you how much it means that you took the time to let us know you care. We are continually amazed at the MANY MANY angels Coleman's journey has brought into our lives- and we can never EVER thank you enough for all the support you've given us. THANK YOU SO MUCH. Please remember ALL the people missing a loved one this Christmas...there are so many people in OUR prayers.



and Rudolph...



BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL,
FOREVER TEAM LARSON

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Birthdays...

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Wow, lots of catching up to do on here…the days go by so quickly… but as the song says we’re ‘muddling through somehow’-

I have to back up and update on Caden’s birthday party last Sunday. This was the first party where he could invite friends (we had to be careful with germs during Coleman’s treatments- and with their birthday being in December, we usually just had a small family party). Soooo, I told him he could invite whoever he wanted to…he started with his WHOLE class of Kindergarteners, then started adding some from the other classes- and we ended up sending out 38 invitations! Yikes!!! It was going to be at the roller-skating rink though, so the more the merrier! We ended up with a final headcount of about 27 kids who made it to the party, and Caden was THRILLED! He really had a blast, and it was so good to see him enjoying it so much. Thanks to all of his friends for making it a great day for him! AND a BIG thanks to the Horn Family for bringing Eli up for the party- it was great to see you guys again! (cp: EliRHorn)

UPSIDE DOWN ELI! :)
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I kick myself now for not getting a group photo of the whole bunch of kids, but it was difficult to get them all in one place at the same time! AND my battery kept dying…I knew I’d forgotten something! Here are a few pics I did get from the day:
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After the party, we headed to the Gowrie Festival of Trees- where local businesses decorate theme trees…this was emotional, as we took Caden AND Coleman for the past few years, so I could definitely hear Coleman commenting on all of the trees this year. He would have had a LOT to say! :) One of the trees was decorated by the Funeral Home…and had a special decoration in memory of Cman- THANK YOU Palmers-
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Another tree was from the Gowrie News and had an ornament with a picture of Caden and Coleman on Santa’s lap. I remember Coleman noticing this ornament before…so had to go back and find this picture…
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Caden was very excited to take his birthday treats to school on Thursday- (he picked popcorn, sour gummy worms and candy cane sticks- what a combo!) but school was canceled because of the blizzard. He was BUMMED!!! BUT I was thrilled! :) He and I ended up spending the day together snowed in…we watched a couple of Christmas movies, baked him a cake, made some cookies, put a puzzle together, drank kool-aid out of fancy wine glasses, danced in the kitchen until I couldn’t breathe, and played outside until we couldn’t feel our fingers or toes! BRRRRR!!!!
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He was a little sad on and off that day-
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He talked a LOT about Coleman. He asked me, “remember when I would throw snowballs at Coleman mommy?” I told him I think Coleman sent all of the snow to show him what a snowball was like in Heaven…and I think he got him back! That made Cade giggle.
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Caden and I got a LOT of talking about things in that day…He asked me if I could make an appointment with his counselor. He needed to talk to her. I asked him what he wanted to talk about, and he said, “well, not really nothing, I just wanted to see her dog MURPHY!” :) I told him we could go visit if he wanted to.

We also talked about how he could tell me any of the things he’s feeling, and he didn’t have to worry about making me sad, or mad…that I would just listen, and I would always love him no matter what. He just talked a lot about the things he and Coleman used to do together and how much he misses him. I was very matter of fact about things- and listened- and didn’t let my tears out until later. It’s so hard to hear him talk about how much he misses Coleman when there isn’t a thing I can do about it.

Later that night he came to me and said, “mommy? You know how you said I could tell you anything, and no matter what you would always love me, no matter what I did?....well, then how come sometimes you say you’re gonna send me to BOOT CAMP? HUH????” I started laughing and told him I would still love him while he was at boot camp, and I could still come and visit him! So he’d better be good! :)
He’s a character!

Caden’s birthday present was a new bedroom, which turned into more than I thought it was going to…He and Coleman shared a room- and it had been the same since they were babies. Last weekend I started taking their beds apart. Caden was in the room while I was working, jumping on his bed and then doing a maze book. All of the sudden I looked over and he was in tears. I asked him what was wrong, and he sobbed “there’s just a lotta memories in here!” It broke my heart…he ran out of the room and downstairs and told me to LEAVE HIM ALONE! I told him I felt the same way, and if he wanted, I would put the beds back together and we could leave everything the same- we didn’t have to change a thing…I thought he WANTED a new room. He yelled, “NOOOOO! I DO want a new room! I just want Coleman here too!” There were lots of tears for all of us that day….Caden kept running and hiding and I heard him sniffling and whispering, “I love you Coleman” over and over. It was a very emotional day for us all. I was ready to stop the project and put everything back, but Caden pleaded with me to keep working on it.

So finally I said, “I have an idea…What if we make it like a home-make-over show, and you aren’t allowed to go into the room until Mommy is allllll the way finished with it…then you’ll be surprised.” That got a BIG smile from him- and he agreed. I worked and worked at getting the teddy bear border down, painting the colors he picked out- (he wanted BLACK on one wall with red on the others, but settled for gray and red) and here’s the almost final project.

Before:
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After:
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He loves it! And so far hasn’t rolled out of his new bed- it’s SO high up he needs a step stool to get into it! I ran off two of Cade’s choices of pictures of him and Coleman together, and we put those in what used to be Coleman’s side of the room…along with the Neva Div Up flag from the memorial race last summer. He also has a photo album of them together he can look through when he wants to. He’s thanked me over and over again for his new room, so I think he’s happy with it…except for not having a TV! :) haha




Yesterday Caden went rollerskating with his friend Zack and SANTA! :) This was the first time we didn’t have the wheels tightened on his skates, and boy was he flying! He was sweating up a storm, but loving every minute of it! He was really checking Santa over- and said he noticed a string holding Santa’s beard on, so “it musta just been one-a his helpers…” Hard to pull one over on him, but he is REALLY into our “elf on a shelf” the boys got last year and jumps out of bed every morning to see where the elf has moved to. The first day our elf came out he asked me, “mom? Do you think Coleman would mind if I changed the elf’s name to Elfie?” I said, “no, I don’t think he’d mind sweetie.” We sat there for a minute and he said, “Uhhh, YES HE WOULD!!!” I started laughing because I knew he was right! Coleman WOULD have minded! :) He would have had a LOT to say about that! I told Caden, “yeah, you’re right- he would, but go ahead and do it any way if you want.” He laughed and with that twinkle he’d get in his eye when he was trying to make Coleman mad, he said, “OKAY!”

Here are some pics from Skating with Santa:
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Caden won a free pop for winning the LIMBO!
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Here he is with his buddy Zack- and Santa…
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While we were at the skating rink yesterday, I mentioned to our photographer friend Morgan that I had wanted to get some Christmas pictures taken of Caden, but I had waited too long- Last year she took our family picture with Coleman about his time… She told me to bring Cade in at 5:00 and she’d snap some pics! THANKS MORGAN!!! We should get them in next week some time.

Here are a couple of oldies of the boys together that I treasure now…
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So I think that just about catches us up….I have one week of school left before Christmas vacation, and Caden has a week and a half. He has his Sunday School program coming up, and his school program too, so I’m sure I’ll be updating again soon. Oh- part 3 of this update is the Birthday letters I wrote to the boys this year. It’s a tradition I started 6 years ago for them. I debated on doing one for Coleman this year, but decided I’m going to keep writing his…and adding them to his box…not sure WHY, but for now they’ll continue. I’m also going to be reposting some of the Christmas Carol videos in the days ahead the boys made in the past…just because I never get tired of watching them.

Thank you for the prayers, the messages, and for checking in on us. We appreciate it more than we can say! Our hope is that everyone takes a quiet moment in the middle of these crazy days to remember the TRUE meaning of Christmas. There are so many gifts we can give that don’t cost a dime, but are more precious than gold…and these are usually the gifts we remember the most!

Blessings to you all,
Forever Team Larson

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Here are the BIRTHDAY LETTERS 2009:

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Dear Caden Dale…
I’m writing this letter on your sixth birthday. How did that happen so quickly? Well, usually I tell you what happened in the last year, but there is so much to list here. This has been quite a year for you Cade. The first thing I have to mention is Coleman going to Heaven. I know how painful that was, and still is for you…and I know you’re doing your best to deal with it in your own way. I’ve been doing MY best to help you along, but there have been many, MANY days- YOU show ME the way. At Coleman’s funeral you said to me, “why does everybody haffta keep cryin? Can’t we just go to our house and have a big party?” … THAT would be you! You and Coleman always did love planning a big party together! I’ve told you many times Coleman is still with you- in your heart…and always will be. You tell me he’s an angel on your shoulder…and you have the devil on the other. I asked you where in world you thought that up- and you said you saw it on Tom and Jerry! :)
This year on your birthday, we had a snow day- it was such a blessing to spend the whole day, just you and me together at home. We played outside, (until our fingers and toes froze!), put puzzles together, watched Christmas movies, drank kool-aid out of fancy wine glasses, baked some cookies and a cake, and danced in the kitchen until I couldn’t breathe anymore! YOU are quite the dancer Caden! :)
This year has been a WHOLE BUNCH of firsts for you. You started preschool in March, and discovered a whole new world…a world with many friends your own age. I’m so thankful for all of those friends who you’ve come to love. They’ve really helped you a lot this year. I know it’s tough to be around grown-ups all the time.
You danced the night away at Dance Marathon, walked in the Curesearch Walk, played your first year of soccer, t-ball, flag football, and are now in wrestling. You absolutely LOVE Kindergarten, AND daycare, and all of the teachers at your school and Sunday School. You have so much love in your heart, and you always look for the good in people. You took swimming lessons for the first time, went Trick or Treating for real, had a birthday party with lots of friends, and learned to roller skate this year.
You’ve faced all the firsts with such a positive attitude- you’ve always been an easy-going, “go-with-the-flow” kind of kid…much out of necessity, but I know you could have chosen to look at all of these things as hurdles; instead you faced them head on with a smile on your face, and more importantly in your heart, and always saw the best in whatever you faced. Our NEVA DIV UP motto is just as much a part of you as it was Coleman. I love that about you, and pray you always keep that smile in your heart Caden.
You’ve gone through a lot of “phases” this year…last year was Power Rangers- but now you tell me your “over those” and this year it’s been Star Wars, Bakugan, go carts, four wheelers, and DIRT BIKES! You’ve also started to love Art projects and can sit longer to complete them. This is the first year you have written your own Santa List, and you’re even reading a few books on your own. You’re always asking me how to spell something, and you do a great job when I tell you to “stretch it out”. I’m so proud of all you’re learning Caden.
Now that you’ve turned six, you tell me you’re looking for a new girlfriend, because you had 5 when you were 5 years old, so now you think you need one more! :) I tell you MOMMY had better ALWAYS be number ONE on that list! As rough-and-tough as you are, you give the best soft hugs and kisses when you remember, and you can ALWAYS melt my heart with a “Hey Mommy? ….I love you.”
We still have our secret way of saying goodnight, and our secret way of saying I love you….just between you and me. Don’t worry, I won’t tell any one.
My heart is so full of love for you Caden, and I promise to tell you that every single day. I promise to always be here when you need me…and to do my best to let you experience things without me when you need to. A mother couldn’t be more proud of a son than I am of you Caden Dale. I can’t wait to watch all of the things you are going to amaze me with as a six year old!
Happy Birthday!!!
Heart and Soul,
Your Mommy

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Oh Coleman,
Where do I begin? I remember writing your letter last year and not being able to face that it would be our last with you here in our arms. I couldn’t face it then, because it was just too painful…the thought of being separated physically from you tore my heart out, so I plunked out on the keyboard my dreams for your future, knowing deep in my soul that future probably wasn’t going to be here with us. This year as I sit to write your letter I have no choice but to face it. It’s like a kick in the gut, a true physical ache, but I’m doing my best. Do you remember all the times I told you, “sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do, but we can make the most of it…” – how many times do you suppose I said those words to you? Too many to count…but we always seemed to manage turning the most horrible situations into ones with at least a few giggles and smiles.
So now, I imagine YOU saying those words to me…oh how I miss your voice my sweetie.
Looking back, I cringe to count up how many times you went through “things you didn’t want to do”- YOU called those things “a buncha bullsh*t” and even though I told you not to say that…. I agreed. You had to go through so much Coleman, but when we were in the middle of the fight, it seemed like the only choice. I’m so sorry you had to be brave way too many times. Daddy and I were doing everything we could to keep you here with us. I wonder now… did we push it too far? Did we make you go through too much? Maybe, but we just couldn’t face the thought of losing you. We needed to fight. I hope you understand.
I smile because I think of you telling me in your ‘mr. know it all’ voice, “so why are ya worrying about that NOW? Geez mom.” You had faith that “Dod” would help you, and He did…Oh how I miss you, your outlook on things, I miss your faith in “Dod”…your wisdom of making things so simple. I know you wouldn’t want me going back second guessing the choices we made. The most important thing is we made the most of our time together, and we loved each other more than some people do in a lifetime. I just wish it could have lasted longer, but I’m thankful for the time we did have…
When you were born, I thought it was MY job to teach you…but YOU ended up teaching ME more than I could have ever imagined.
We all miss you more than I could ever put into words. Daddy and I think of you constantly, lots of times with tears in our eyes, because we miss you so very much, but many times with laughter…you always made mommy and daddy laugh- you had such a sense of humor that went far beyond your years…and Caden, well- Caden deals with missing you in his own way. I hear him whisper often, “I love you Coleman.” And I wonder if you two still have your little secrets. I know he’s hurting so much, but he keeps that big ‘ol Caden smile coming. YOU were always the one who talked out your feelings…and talked, and talked, and talked. :) But Caden keeps so much in. He doesn’t want anyone to be sad. Please watch over your brother as he grows. I know you are with him…You are a part of him…I try to fill in by playing with him, but I know I can’t fill that bond you two had.
I miss you Coleman. I miss our foot snugglin’, your stories, your magic tricks, your singing…your non-stop talk…(it’s WAY too quiet here without you!) We miss everything about you. Everything reminds me of you…the big bright moon, all your shows you loved to watch, your favorite foods, your ‘bestest’ songs, your favorite books, your little sayings…there must be a million and one times a day I think of you- BUT I know we will be together again one day, So until then, just know that you are always, ALWAYS in my heart…and on my mind. You are still the first thing I think of when I open my eyes each morning, the last thing before I fall asleep, and every minute in between. I’ll do my best to make the most of things here until we see each other again… Even though I can’t give this letter to you in person, I will put it in your box, and send ALL my “tisses and hugs” up to you today and every day. I promise to Neva Div Up Cole-Man. Happy Heavenly Birthday my boy. I hope you have a BIG party with lots of GREEN decorations!
All my Love,
Mommy

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Snow...Snow...and more SNOW!!!

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It's a blizzard here in Iowa! Hope everyone is in where it's safe and warm! PAJAMA DAY at the Larsons, I LOVE days like this!!! Scott is going a bit stir crazy, but we're having fun.

I'm praying our electricity stays on...the wind is REALLY whipping out there and we can barely see out of any windows. Caden got out of school yesterday at 10:30, me at 12:30 and then we broke out the sled! Good thing we fit it in then, because it isn't fit to be out there today!

Six years ago today we had an ice storm coming. Scott and I headed to Ames a day early, so we could get a hotel room and be there bright and early the next morning to deliver our boys we had waited so long for. Tomorrow Caden (and Coleman) turn six years old. One here and one in Heaven, but ALWAYS brothers for life.

I'm working on a birthday post- if you've been with us for a while, you know I always write the boys a birthday letter. This year the words are hard to find, but I'll get them finished. I have lots to post on...Caden's birthday party at the skating rink, our visit to the festival of trees and a birthday post to come soon. For today, I'm spending the day snuggling, doing a little baking and playing.

I'll end this with two of our Christmas videos and a BIG thank you for thinking of us, and checking in on how we are doing. Your support and messages mean more to us than we can say. We are blessed. THANK YOU! and STAY WARM!!!



Blessings to you all,
FORVER TEAM LARSON



and here's another...



Our continued prayers for all the kids going through treatment, and all the families missing their kids.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Birthday Scott!

Made By Caden Dale...
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Caden is watching the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving DVD…it still cracks me up every time I watch it with him…and also brings back a lot of memories, so thought I’d take a short break to do a quick update...."Chuck". :)

Today is Scott’s birthday. With his birthday always being so close to Thanksgiving, and sometimes ON Thanksgiving, it always makes me reflect a little more on how grateful I am to have him for my husband, which I know I should do every day. Don’t get me wrong, we have our days- :) you know, those days where we want to hug choke each other- I know, I know, that sounds harsh, but HEY I’m just being honest here! Believe me, he’d tell you the same thing. We’ve definitely had our ups and downs.

Going through the fight for your child’s life can either destroy a relationship, or strengthen it…I’m so thankful it’s been the latter for us. It hasn’t been easy though- we’re both hurting and grieving in our own ways. It’s stressful on a relationship. There are days we take each other for granted- BUT When I look at him, I know we can make it through absolutely anything together good or bad, and even if there are times it gets rough between the two of us, we won’t give up on each other. He really is my best friend.

Oh man, I just read that back and hope I didn’t jinx things, For some reason I just flashed back to the Jon and Kate+8 where they were getting remarried in Hawaii and told their tribe they were doing it so they could see mommy and daddy were always going to be there for them and married forever…YIKES, I remember watching that at the time and thinking, well what are they going to tell them later if they’re not??? If Scott ever, EVER starts wearing hundred dollar t-shirts, gets his ears pierced, and starts dating my plastic surgeon’s daughter, he’s in big trouble!!!…oh wait, I don’t have a plastic surgeon (obviously! :) so I guess we’re okay. WHEW!

Seriously, I am so grateful to be married to someone I know I can count on. Do we have the perfect marriage? No, but it’s always a work in progress. We’re both imperfect people, and we recognize that. I love him…he knows that…and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Soooo, you’re stuck with me Scott! :) Happy, HAPPY Birthday to my favorite turkey!!!!
Here is a video Caden made for Daddy, and of course the video the boys made last year for him. Coleman adored his daddy, and for good reason. Scott is the best dad I could have ever wished for my boys. He continues to amaze me with his patience…Caden always ALWAYS picks daddy over mommy, but he apologizes and tells me he still loves me, he just loves daddy a little more… then adds “but just a little bit!” :) lol I always tell him it’s okay, I understand. I’m so thankful they have that special bond. Happy Birthday Scott, we love you.

From Caden:


And last year’s….






Happy Thanksgiving to you all- may we remember to count our blessings every day of the year…we really do have MUCH to be Thankful for. I thank God for family and friends who have surrounded us with love this year.

THANKSGIVING BLESSINGS,
FOREVER TEAM LARSON

Dear God,
Thank you for the people who have been there for our family, and who continue to pray for us. Thank you for Coleman’s life, and helping him to make a difference in the lives of others. Thank you for letting us be his parents...He made such an impact in his five years. I admit that we miss him so much it is hard to focus on our blessings some days. Please forgive us God. Help us in our selfish ways to realize we have so much to be grateful for, and help us to see not everything is about US. Help us to focus on others, instead of ourselves.
I pray for those who are hurting. Please give them Hope and Strength Jesus, to keep their eyes and hearts on You, and to know You are the way to our eternal lives -free from any pain. You know the suffering in our hearts God, and we know YOU Love us beyond imagination. We THANK YOU.
When Coleman went to Heaven, I tried not to ask you “WHY?”, but to ask “WHAT NOW?” instead. Please continue to lead us Lord in answering that question. Please help us to help others….and bring glory to you.
Amen.

Here are a few of Caden’s latest Art Projects I thought I’d share…this is the picture he made at school for what he’s thankful for. He said it's him and Coleman having a wheelchair race.

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And here is a turkey he had to disguise. He came up with dressing it like a Christmas tree and even did the sewing of the candy canes and stars on his felt...Caden with a needle in his hand- YIKES- he only poked himself a couple of times, NOT as bad as the pocket knife incident at least! :)

Before:
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After:
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Monday, November 23, 2009

A Time of Thanks...

Well, long time no update….for several reasons really. Life gets so busy- doesn’t it? AND there are times I’m just a loss for words- (I know some people find that hard to believe, but it’s true :)

Things here have been busy as usual…school keeps me busy- something about a room full of 23 first graders- there isn’t much ‘down time’! They keep me hopping. Scott’s been working really long hours- leaving for work in the morning before Caden and I even wake up, and getting home around 9-10:00 every night. He’s worked straight through the last few weekends. Caden, well- Caden is Caden, and remains his ‘happy-go-lucky’ self most of the time. He started wrestling practices last week, and is a riot to watch, but he loves it.

Here are a couple of pictures of him in his gear:

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He wore himself out so much doing his moves he had to lay down to play Wii! :) Check out the orb in the picture next to him on the floor...hmmmm
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He also LOVES going to school and daycare, which we’re so thankful for. He told me last week, “mommy, when I’m at school, I don’t miss Coleman so much…I still miss him, but not as much cuz I have kids around to play with”. Then he looked at me, like maybe he shouldn’t have said that, but I told him it was okay to feel what he felt. School is something he and Coleman never got to do together, so it’s kind of Cade’s own thing, and he doesn’t have the memories of Coleman there like he does at home, or when we go to the places we used to go with him. He has his sad moments, but I just keep reassuring him that whatever he feels is okay…he’s entitled to his feelings.

Several people have mentioned that this will be a hard time of the year for us. At first I thought, ‘well, every day has it’s hard moments’…but I do have to admit, as the holidays get closer, so many memories are coming back, and they aren’t exactly the happy memories I’d like them to be- funny thing about memories is that you can tell yourself you’re only going to think of the GOOD ones and then those nightmarish ones just sneak right in there when they want to, and especially at the times you DON’T want them to….We’ve been doing okay… we do have our days, our moments of struggle- BUT we have so much to be thankful for as well…and THAT is what we do our best to focus on.

Thinking back to last year this time, Coleman was really beginning to be in pain from his tumors. We were sent home from New York for the last time, knowing there was nothing else anyone could do for him medically. He was packing on the weight from the heavy dose of steroids he was on, and he was uncomfortable. He slowly lost his ability to walk on his own, and kept to the couch most of the time, unless I helped him to the bathroom, or moved him to another part of the house for a change of scenery. He was OBSESSED with doing art projects, even more than usual, and the tremors in his hands were slowing him down to the point it was getting harder for him to complete them the way he wanted to…it frustrated him- still, I remember him pushing on, with his paint brush in his little shaking hand, determined to finish what he started. He was NOT going to give up! THAT was Coleman. The other thing I remember so vividly is his mood swings…also made worse than usual from the tumors. He would be so happy, then suddenly SNAP at you, then instantly glide back to his sweet self. He’d say, “can you come div me a tiss mommy?” I’d answer, “sure Coleman, you know I will!” Then when I’d kiss him he’d yell, “NO! I SAID ONE TISS NOT TWO!!!” and get all grouchy. He’d see me back away and sweetly say, “but you know I wuv you mommy.”

One day I helped him to the bathroom. A couple of minutes later he yelled, “mommy? Tan you tum and talk to me while I’m poopin?” :) He could never be away from someone to converse with for long, and many of our best conversations together were while he was in the bathroom ‘doing his business’. I’d sit on their little step stool for the sink and he’d chat away. This day he asked me a lot of questions about why he couldn’t walk any more. It was excruciating explaining it to him. I tried to stay as positive as I could, but he wanted to know WHEN DOD was going to make him walk again. Not that he really wanted me to answer him…a lot of Coleman’s questions were just him thinking out loud. HE wanted to answer them himself, and if you tried, he usually corrected you with what HIS answer would be. The words that I remember the most from that day were when he told me, “I know Dod is dunna help me, but it’s no fun livin like this mommy.” At the time it choked me…it was one of those times as hard as I tried, I couldn’t hold back the tears. Those just aren’t words a four year old should ever come out of his mouth. It broke my heart.

BUT remembering those words also brings me some sort of peace- I know Coleman is no longer in pain. He didn’t like living the way he was. As hard as the holidays are going to be this year, they will not compare to how hard it was this time last year…knowing that cancer was slowly taking everything away from Coleman broke my heart into a million pieces. I can’t begin to explain how helpless we felt…time stood still, yet went way too fast- if that makes any sense. All I know is I wouldn’t wish Coleman back here, if it meant he had to be in pain. The hardest part of the end for me was signing the ‘do not resuscitate’ papers. I remember the doctors taking Scott and I to a room by ourselves to have a talk. At the time I saw it as meaning we were giving up- something that went against everything we had fought so hard against since the beginning of Coleman’s diagnosis. I wasn’t ready, yet there were no options left. Giving up wasn’t in me…we needed to fight! Yet, seeing this swollen shell our Coleman was stuck in, I knew – it was time. Not time to give up, but to give it to God, knowing He would take care of ALL of us. Through the entire two and a half year battle, THAT was the moment I cried the hardest.

God HAS held us up this year though…He brings us strength when nothing/no one else can. The thing is, as much as I tried to teach Coleman about faith, he ended up teaching us so much more. He ‘knew’ things that weren’t things we’d taught him, he just knew, and THAT is why I can find peace knowing his fight is over- and he doesn’t have to go through any of the horrible things he endured ever again. Still, there is this HUGE hole left. We feel it each and every day. I always told him I wished it was ME who was hurting and not him…and he would so sweetly say, “I wish it was you too mommy, but no, it’s me.” Oh do we miss him.

Caden’s (and Coleman’s) birthday is coming up….last year if you were on the carepages with us, you’ll remember the boys had a small party at the Sport’s Page. I remember Coleman wasn’t feeling the best, but we did our best to celebrate knowing it would be his last birthday, their last together, yet always, always holding out hope.

Caden is planning a BIG skating party this year, with MANY people on his invite list. It will be a bittersweet day, but we’re determined to make it a good one for Caden. He deserves that. And of course he will take a birthday present out to the cemetery for Coleman, and we’ll send some balloons up to his “brudder”…for they will always have a bond, whether they are together or apart.

Here’s a little piece of video I found on my birthday- it was Coleman reading Caden a Clifford Christmas book. This was taken shortly after Coleman’s release from his stem cell transplant. The boys were still getting used to being together again after their many week separation. Each one was getting used to sharing the spotlight, as Coleman had had our full attention while he was in the hospital, and Caden had been top banana at Grandma’s for many weeks. The video really shows how different their personalities were. Caden is still just as bouncy as he was here- and Coleman always, ALWAYS talked non-stop. I’m so thankful we have these memories on tape…





Tomorrow is my last work day this week and then I’m going in to help for a bit in Caden’s classroom on Wednesday…then we head back to my sister’s for THANKSGIVING…

We’re wishing you all a very HAPPY and BLESSED THANKSGIVING. We can’t thank you enough for all of your support and messages- you have been a HUGE blessing to our family, and we thank God for sending us so many angels to be a part of our team. Please keep praying for all the little heroes still fighting, and for all of the families missing their little heroes this Thanksgiving and every day.


NEVA DIV UP.

BLESSINGS to you all,
FOREVER TEAM LARSON

A old picture, but one I love-
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