Caden at the Science Center- pretending he’s a weatherman!
Well things have been busy as usual around here-
I think the last time I posted it was right before Caden’s first motocross race. What an experience THAT was for the ‘rookie’! Haha for us all-
The night before I had gone to a wedding with some of my friends, while Scott and Caden went to a motocross race in town south of here. Scott said Caden was making comments all night, “man, I could beat ANY of these guys! I’d leave ‘em ALL in my dust!” He had a pretty big head or a HUGE amount of confidence- (either way you want to look at it).
The next morning he and Scott took off about 11:00 to head to the track at the fair- the race wasn’t until 3:00, so I told them I would come closer to the time. (It was BLAZING hot and super HUMID that day!) By the time I got there, Caden was sitting in the shade in a lawn chair with a far-away look on his face, and I could tell he was NOT too happy. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he didn’t want to race- he changed his mind, it was too hard, and the track was too bumpy….( he’d wiped out a couple of times during practice) I told him I thought he should go ahead and try it since daddy had already hauled all of his stuff up there, and reminded him it didn’t matter if he won or lost, as long as he did his best and had fun… (that WAS what he’d said earlier- but I don’t think he was feeling any FUN once he got there and the nerves kicked in!) Of course he had to wait around for a BUNCH of other races before his, and some of his buddies had come to watch him, so I know he wanted to do good for them- but he was really nervous.
When it came time for him to get all geared up, Scott helped him to the starting gate. Right before his race started, a kid from the previous race came over the last big hill and went FLYING off his four-wheeler- it rolled a couple of times…I thought it was going to land right on top of him! They stopped everything until the medics made sure he was okay. I could only imagine what Cade was thinking sitting in the starting gate watching it! Finally they started his race. He putted around the track so slow I think he got lapped twice before he was even on his second lap! It was NOTHING like how he tears around on his dirt bike at home! It was almost comical how slow he was going! When he went to the far corner of the track I couldn’t see him anymore, but it took forever before he and Scott came riding off the track together and back to the tent. By the time I got back there Scott was taking off Cade’s boots and Caden was crying. I guess he had wiped out and hurt his knee…(there was a TINY little scrape on it- but he was quick to point out his INJURY!) He said, “I am NEVER racing again!” (I have to admit, the whole thing was kind of sad, but cracked me up at the same time….it was good that he tried it and saw that it wasn’t as easy as it looked- that he can FLY around the yard here, but when you get on a track it’s different, and when people are trying to race against you it’s not the same. It was good that he experienced that it isn’t as easy as he thought- I don’t think he’ll be bragging that he could beat anyone from now on!)
He was pretty quiet the rest of the day, but that night was getting over it. He said, “I don’t know WHY I didn’t finish the race” He confessed-“ I wasn’t crying cuz I got hurt, it was because I didn’t want them guys to beat me- I was mad that I couldn’t go faster…I shoulda just finished, cuz I think you get a trophy even if you come in last….but what if I WOULD-A got hurt bad, what would you and dad do mom?”
Okay, this broke my heart because I know he was thinking that he’s all we have….since Coleman’s not here. I mean, I’m glad he didn’t get hurt, and I really wouldn’t be sad if he never raced again- (I don’t like seeing crashes either!) but I also don’t want him to be afraid of trying things he wants to do because he worries about us… *sigh* I guess it just saddens me that he’s experienced too much in his short life to be a ‘care-free’ kid. BUT that’s also what makes him compassionate too, so I guess like everything else, I need to look for the positive since you can’t change the past, and know that Caden’s past is going to bring GOOD things to his future- its all part of life.
Anyway- things are back to “normal” and after a week he says he IS going to race again…His exact words were, “I can’t help it, motocross is in my blood!” haha but he might wait a while and for sure he’s going to PRACTICE on the track BEFORE race day! :) Who knows…
Here are some pics from race day-
He wanted a Coleman decal on his bike-
Watching the other races with his buddies…
This was before his race, he was having second thoughts-
Getting his gear on…
Time to head to the gate…
Annnnnd he’s off! (even if it is at a snail’s pace! :)
Last hill I saw him go over…
Daddy to the rescue!
Checking out his ‘injury’…
What an experience!
Let’s see…what else have we been up to? We’ve been enjoying the summer spending time with friends…Caden got to go tubing with his buddies- (THANK YOU KATHY K for the boat ride!)
Scott built him a little ramp he’s been riding his bike over…and he’s learning to skateboard, but always takes time to snuggle his Graycee May…
He loves this cat!
I had a class I had to take last week, so Caden went and spent the week with Gma Jeffrey. He got to go fishing, swimming, ride a horse, oh and see the RAGBRAI bikes as they rode across Iowa…their route went only a couple of miles from my mom’s house, so he was excited to see that. THANK YOU to my amazing family for keeping him busy and showing him so much FUN! I kept calling him throughout the week and asking if he was ready to come home yet…he repeatedly answered “NOOOOOO!” When Scott and I finally drove up to get him he asked if we could turn around and he could spend another week there! Gma spoiled him good! The first thing he said when we got home was, “ahhh, it sure is good to take-a whiz in your own toilet!” I don’t know where he comes up with these things!
When he got back, here’s a note he left on my pillow one morning…it was his breakfast order! HA! I think Gma let him have ice cream with every meal!!! I told him NO ROOM SERVICE here! (but yes, I did give him ice cream and bacon both- what difference does it make if he eats it at 8 am. or 2 pm? It doesn’t happen every day!)
We were on our way to the aquatic center today, and I don’t know how it even came up, but he wanted to know what the word “gender” meant. I said, “well what would you say if someone asked you what gender you are?” He answered, “ummm, I’d say about 19?” I explained that “gender” means male or female, so if someone asked him his gender he would say MALE, because he’s a boy, and I would say FEMALE, because I’m a girl. He sat there for a minute and said, “WELLLLL, I KNOW the difference between boys and girls.” I said, “yeah, I know you do.” He said, “yeah, boys say “FART” and girls say “TOOT”!” I couldn’t help but laugh! Ahhhh- I love the way kids think! :)
I’ve had a rough time lately missing Coleman. I mean, it’s always rough, but lately the waves of grief seem even higher than usual. During the class I took last week we were asked to bring a photo of our family on the last day to share with the class. UGGG!!! That shouldn’t really be a hard task right? I knew I had a choice to make. Do I take one of just Scott, Caden and myself- just share what it is NOW? Or do I take one with Coleman in it and maybe spread a little awareness? I thought for sure I could get up and share our story and not have a problem with it. I was wrong. I got up there and couldn’t speak…I was too choked up. I don’t even remember what I did choke out, but it was nothing I had planned…I was so mad at myself! One of my friends asked me, “well, you don’t still cry every day, do you?” I had to be honest…yes, there is at LEAST something every single day that brings tears to my eyes. Do I sit and sob every day? No, not every day, but YES, some days I DO get to the sobbing point… I don’t expect anyone to understand. I’m sure it seems to some that we have just “gotten over it” but those who have walked this path know that isn’t possible. We’ll never “be over it”. We’ll just learn to cope better. (I hope.) Maybe I will just learn to embrace the tears when they come instead of fighting them so hard. Who knows what I would do if faced with this situation again…I would hope that I could get up and share Cman’s beautiful face and talk about how amazing he was without breaking down. It just wasn’t THAT day…and as much as I hated it, I’ve convinced myself its okay when I lose control.
I told another friend, it gets exhausting making lemonade out of lemons every day. Some days you just have to let it suck, &recharge, regroup, whatever it takes to get you through. Tomorrow is always another day. And I always believe there are two ways to look at everything, you can focus on the negative, or look for the positives. It’s just when the numbness wears off, the pain comes through again.
I miss Coleman’s out of the blue one-liners of wisdom. I miss him telling me, “mommy? You know it’s important to pray…even when things are good, NOT just when they’re bad.” What four year old comes up with that? There were so many things he just ‘knew’. (and he was ALWAYS willing to share his wisdom! :) I miss that. I miss everything about him…people say “you are so strong”…I feel anything but strong- when I’m at my lowest in missing him I feel very, very weak. That’s when I hear Coleman singing in my ear, “they are weak, but HE is strong!” (and holding up his little muscle) I cannot imagine anyone going through this without knowing Jesus’ love and strength- when I think I have nothing left HE is there to pick me up again.
I often read this poem my sister Janice gave me, I know I’ve posted it on here before, but each time I read it, it helps me re-focus.
You can shed tears that he’s gone.
Or smile because he lived.
You can close your eyes and pray he’ll come back.
Or open your eyes and see all he’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him.
Or be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in the yesterday.
Or be happy for tomorrow because of the yesterdays.
You can remember him and only that he’s gone.
Or cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he would want;
Open your eyes…
And go on.
I’m doing my best to keep on the “or you can” lines of that poem….
Okay, I’ve rambled on enough, I think I’d better wrap this up…thanks for checking in on us, and listening! This always has been my place for “therapy”!
Here’s a video I found one day while saving them to disks. This is Caden and Coleman doing shaving cream…some people say these are hard to watch- for me, it makes me smile…remembering the good times.
Please read on to the end of the post. I have some AMAZING women to tell you about-(if you haven’t heard yet) … 46 of them to be exact. (I think there may even be more than that now!) I admire them ALL more than I can say! Go check them out on the bottom of this post.
Blessings to you all,
FOREVER TEAM LARSON
There’s nothing like Iowa Sweet corn!
46 mommas. Every day 46 moms hear the words “your child has cancer.” EVERY single day. It needs to STOP! These amazing moms are taking action- they’re doing something about it…so one day no mother will have to hear those heartbreaking words- They’re on a mission…to raise one million dollars for St. Baldricks…an organization that does so much in helping to fight childhood cancer. The only way they’ll get there is one dollar at a time….I know many of these mommas. I’ve cheered over good news with some and shed tears with others. They truly are amazing, inspiring women. Our carepage angel Renee Combs is one of the shaves and will be wearing a Team Larson shirt with Cman’s pic on the back…THANK YOU SO MUCH RENEE! It means more to us than we can say! Our hearts and prayers are with all these BRAVE mommas!
Here’s some more info on the big event from my friend Mimi (Julian’s Momma)-
ATTENTION CHILDHOOD cancer AWARENESS WARRIORS AND SUPPORTERS!!!
46 cancer Mommas from across the States have come together with an AMAZING idea , shave our heads altogether for our kids and get on national tv to spread awareness...
We will be doing this in September since it IS childhood cancer awareness month. 46 beautiful bald mommas with a passion for our cause.
We have a plan! We will be shaving in Los Angeles ( how appropriate since it is the city of Angels, thanks Carla for that reminder!) , THEN WE WILL BE FEATURED LIVE ON STAND UP 2 cancer , September 10th , it will be broadcasted on at least 11 different national networks including ABC , NBC, CBS, FOX ...
This is our big chance to show the world that KIDS GET cancer too and it needs to STOP!!!!
Our team has so far raised over $70,000 for St Baldricks ( http://www.stbaldricks.org/teams/mypage/teamid/64861 )
This is VERY exciting for all of us...
BUT , WE NEED YOUR HELP!!!!
Anyone with extra miles who could sponsor a Momma's flight , please come forward!!!
The mommas are flying into LOS ANGELES from anywhere in the states and we have limited resources as you all know , considering our situations...
PLEASE, if you are interested in sponsoring a Momma by donating your miles or you have questions on the matter, contact me directly by email , avoid doing it in the messages as it will more than likely get lost :-(
SPONSOR A MOMMA , EMAIL ME @ email@example.com !!!!! THANK YOU !!!!
And if you can’t, please help by passing this message around!!!
Please go visit their website… let them know what they’re doing WILL make a difference.